Vaginal mapping - story of a weekend
Vaginal mapping - story of a weekend
Four sessions of vaginal mapping in a long and detail story of one brave woman...
In February I set out on a journey which is changing my life in an incredible way every day. In a women supporting program GIFEW during one of the training courses I met Denisa Říha Palečková who is a professional in the area of love, intimacy and personal development.
It was just her who told me for the very first time about vaginal mapping, its possibilities and the therapy. As it often happens when you hear about something new and unknown for the first time, it raised mistrust inside me at first. What is that hidden inside my vagina what could have such impact and importance for my life? However, a little seed of curiosity was now planted…
The first change in my perception occurred during a weekend Retreat for couples which I attended with my husband. The atmosphere there was full of confidence, trust, quality information and practical exercises. During them I experienced and fully realized the power of a body and its ability to perceive, process and remember our experiences and emotions associated with them.
In the moment when I experienced at first-hand what huge changes in perception and experiencing are possible to achieve through a caring touch in an environment of trust and cooperation, I decided: I am going to go deeper. I want to do it mainly for myself, to make my life better. To give you a clear picture of my decision: I was repeatedly abused as a child. By members of our extended family and by other men as well. I tried to cure this trauma by pharmaceuticals, I was visiting psychiatrist, psychologist, I went for family constellations and spiritual response therapy. At this point of my life I considered this trauma to be basically managed and subdued as much as possible. Only somewhere deep inside of me I felt that my life still should and could be even much better…
I haven´t read much about vaginal mapping before I went for it. I wanted to remain without any expectations to be able to perceive only that what is just happening to me. I booked three sessions in a row, one session per day as it was recommended to me. I considered it reasonable – when the sessions follow one another the energy can flow continually, the body remembers more intensely and therefore it can progress faster in discovering the conjunctions and their treatment.
The way to Tantra Spa in Prague wasn´t effortless. What am I doing? What came to my mind to go there? I am so ashamed… What will be happening there? What will I feel and how should my face look like during that??? … All that was stirring in my head on my way to Prague. And even though I wanted to give up for several times, something strong made me continue the journey.
Tara welcomed me. Dressed like a common woman, kind and open. Our first meeting started with an interview. She asked me what my trouble was, if I wanted to cure something specific and she described to me the process of vaginal mapping roughly. I told her about what I´ve experienced and also about my fear and anxiety of that what is about to come. Her words should have calmed me down, my mind trusted her but I remained in tension and fear. I was firmly decided to undergo it but it didn´t help me to feel less frightened. I could not relax nor manage my fear and panic in any way.
Tara asked me to undress and lay down on a massage table. She herself changed her clothes which immediately evoked an impression of a therapist and my fear eased up a bit: „I am in the hands of a therapist… I can pretend that it is like by a gynecologist, it will be just a bit softer…” When Tara touched me and felt my frightened body in tension she started to communicate with me. How I feel her touches, what am I thinking about. She was caressing my belly and I realized that… I feel nothing. I felt that she is touching me but apart of that I felt nothing at all. The touch was neither pleasant, nor unpleasant, as if it weren´t at all. As if I weren´t there at all. And first memories started to emerge in that moment… „I am lying, someone in my far past is touching me.. I don´t want it and I don´t know what to do.. How to say no? .. Who to call to help me? … Therefore I am only lying as a dead body and I pretend that I don´t see anything, don´t feel anything, that it´s just not happening.“ Other memories were emerging with every Tara´s touch… I started to talk… „Yes, I remember now. This happened to me when I was small. Now I understand why it hurts sometimes. He touched me exactly like this. On these places. I didn’t want it so much… I didn´t know what to do… So I rather didn´t exist….“
This kind of reaction is called „ to freeze“therapeutically. Person´s responses to various stress situations are different – flight, fight… or freeze. So my way of responding to stress situations is to freeze. I didn´t look for a reason why was it so and I am not looking for it now either. I take it as a fact which I would like to understand better and which I want to deal with through this therapy. To get to know myself better, to understand myself. Therefore I have decided to go further.
Tara touches me gradually on more and more places. Where I can feel something I am describing what am I feeling. What is important to me, if I perceive the touch as pleasant or as unpleasant. When I perceive the touch as unpleasant, Tara´s task is to help me to free my body from displeasing memories and to teach the body to perceive softness, beauty and love through the touch. The worst moments are those when I feel nothing. I know that there is a strong experience behind that and these memories of each unpleasant situation from my childhood are gradually coming back to me.
In some moments it makes me feel like I want to vomit, in others I feel strange and severe pain, sometimes I feel just a deep sadness. Tara caresses me gently and I am talking freely about what I feel, about everything what is coming to my mind. I am not suppressing anything, I talk about everything what I am dealing with. Sometimes the talk doesn´t make any sense, it´s just fragments of feelings and perceptions, thoughts and memories. On the psychical level and physical, too. I am not going into the details, I am just continually providing a feedback to my therapist about my memories, what was unpleasant or that I can feel something and I describe the type of the feeling. Tara caresses me, sometimes she asks me and it´s up to me if I confide to her. My emotions are gradually calming down and they leave. I ask myself whether they are gone forever..
I can clearly feel that through these memories and their re-experiencing on a different level I am slowly getting to their understanding and caring acceptance, coping with long past experiences which I have hidden from myself and from the whole world deep inside of me.
The next morning I didn´t feel like go back there again at all. I was ok concerning my body, actually I had a lot of energy. What I lacked was a will and desire to go inside myself. I decrypted this as a signal that body knows what is good for it and therefore it is looking forward to it, while the head is afraid of the change and fights against it. Mapping might start, though…
We worked on a right side of my vagina, spot after spot. I had very bad feelings on several places, I felt pain, and various memories were coming back to me. The memories didn´t contain just the rape itself surprisingly. Memories from another periods of my life when I acted against myself were coming back to me. Especially when it concerned men. Like when I didn´t want something internally but in the frame of learned and embodied pattern I thought that I cannot do anything about it… absolutely against myself and my inner desires I stood quiet and just „survived“ the unwanted situation somehow. For I thought that there is no other possibility. That sexual intercourse is my obligation towards men. The only way to keep their love. That is the only possible form of admiration which I can awake in them. Well, my opinion actually doesn´t matter so much… These and many other similar opinions, from my today´s point of view senseless and above all unbelievable. These all were coming back to me in various moments and were shaking with me.
However, I was prepared better this time. I have already guessed what awaits me because of the yesterday’s experience. Fully conscious I followed myself, my feelings, my perception, my body and I was giving them a proper respect and seriousness. Myself, my body, my feelings, desires, all these I took absolutely seriously! Perhaps for the first time in my life I was paying a full attention to them. I considered them to by my partners, my allies, who are helping me to find my way through the feelings. I felt that the way I saw it in the past I do not need and do not want to experience again. That there is another possibility than that.
I became an active and enthusiastic observer in my own school of life. I was looking at things that were happening on and in my body from another point of view and I saw that it doesn´t have to be that way. That all that what I have experienced hurt and influenced my life to a great extent, but that I have a free will and especially a power to change it. I was inside me so much that I could even be above me. I don´t know how to describe it in other way. It is different when you switch off yourself, freeze, don´t exist somewhere. You don´t even feel what is happening, what you feel. All you know is that in the time from – to your task is to endure and survive. The „school“I was at now was about something different.
About experiencing the difficult moments consciously in the present, their re-experiencing and conscious being, coping with physical sickness, anxiety and disgust, and after that leaving this situation to the past to which it belongs. With the knowledge that what was before doesn´t need to be again. That it may be different. That way how I want it and feel it. A fact that I experienced this knowledge on a conscious, emotional and physical level at the same time is probably the strongest moment of the healing.
We were working not only on the level of the body while we tried to release blocks, through affirmations we were also working with mind and soul. Since I was instructed that cooperation with the therapist during the massage ensures more intense and quality therapy, I tried my best and cooperated as much as I could. I was naturally doing what I just felt and perceived. I was massaging my own body often, I was hitting the parts which the energy was leaving from, filling them with sound, breath and love. I often got into deadly states. Always when I experienced or felt something strong what I thought I could not bear, my body cooled down totally and was like dead. I couldn´t understand how is that possible. I felt life and flow of the energy inside, and the surface of my body was almost freezing. However I felt very clearly that the feeling of being cold isn´t caused by low temperature in the room. And that was a damned success for me. To be able to distinguish when it is about me and the common physiological conditions, and when it is about experiencing of a strong emotion and intuition that I want to leave.
In spite of an intensive work we have come across the block which couldn´t be removed. I don´t know how my therapist thought that it could be about an unborn child. Abortion, I wasn´t thinking about it at all, and I locked it in the mindset „no, I don´t want this child, which arose from an abuse and against my will. I did that without a single hesitation. “ I thought that this experience is far behind me already, that it´s not worth any attention. It turned out to be one of the key ones. In this moment of the bodywork I realized, that it has frozen my heart. Finally I realized, that all the uncontrolled emotions, disappointments, guilt and sadness, all this has settled in me and didn´t allow me to feel, live and express the feminine softness, tenderness, attention and love fully. My heart was like made of stone and I couldn´t help myself. I tried to make my body move, by massage, by breathing.. With no effect. After several futile attempts I didn´t believe anymore that I can make it. I was about to leave for that day and let it be. Perhaps it will go better tomorrow. Well, we did a good job today already…
While it happened… My therapist became my child suddenly. Child who was standing in front of me and crying. Child who wanted to go to me. And my heart was so hard that it didn´t even want to accept it. The child was still standing there and crying. Standing and crying. Crying in front of me. The child told me that he loves me and that he only wants to be accepted. I felt it for the first time at that moment. My heart moved. At first just a little bit. Carefully. It stopped frightened for a while. And then love started to fill it up. Endless love, becoming bigger and better with every other accepted person. I understood that I can be a tender woman and mother and I understood in particular, that my love is endless. That my baby didn´t do anything bad, wasn´t guilty for anything. It wanted to come and to be loved. And I couldn´t perceive it in my blindness and pain. I was so sorry.
I walked away sad from this therapy. I got an important homework. To be with myself and my re-accepted baby. To make a nice day for the two of us and to light a candle for him and meditate with his soul at the same time. I got home totally exhausted. Tired, sad, inside of me somehow strangely. On the way home I bought a nice candle, pink with small butterflies. I wasn´t able to do anything else except of this. I wanted to light the candle and meditate. I was looking for the matches desperately and really couldn´t find them anywhere. Sad and exhausted I fell asleep. I slept through all afternoon, evening and night.
I woke up next day in the morning totally exhausted physically. First thing I saw were the matches. They laid close to the candle. And other ones short distance from the first ones. Other matches were on another commode and in my handbag I found my lighter… I rather didn´t think anything.
My body totally exhausted, my head full of resolve and energy. Completely in opposite to yesterday´s feelings. I arrived to the Spa earlier surprisingly. My therapist had a candle, sweet Freesias and angel cards prepared for me. And a special music that sounded like chorales from another world and that caressed my wounds.
I have chosen a card „solar plexus chakra“. It contents among other things also this: „angels want to remind you that nobody controls you and can´t control you without your permission. You always have a choice and angels will help you to make your decisions. They will also help you to get a stronger feeling of control of your life and your spiritual gifts.“ Second card was a card „Archangel Michael“. Its connotation: If you are confronted with something what scares you and makes you anxious, Michael will encourage you and support you. Michael is a being that takes a fear away from you and protects you and your loved ones.
Tara´s card was Mediumita: …“this card is a sign that you are connected to one or more loved ones in heaven. Angels ask you to trust your feelings, thoughts and inner picture concerning this connections because they are true. For you and for others it has a big healing power because through this connections the messages of heavenly calm and love are being transferred.“
Well, do not believe in a magical power of universe then……
Tara asked me again how do I feel, if something unusual came to my mind, if there is something what I would like to deal with. I told her exactly how it came to my mind that I am thinking of my father in some context. It wasn´t anything specific, I just felt that I am thinking of him. Vaginal mapping went more or less well. Some places were insensive and blocked, pulling out some specific memories. This days the memories were not about abuse but about my life. Some unpleasant memories came back to me and I was taking leave of them. With a gentle massage inside and outside, with breathing and affirmations we were gradually releasing them to the past. We faced only one big block. As Tara touched me inside, severe pains of abdomen and later also shoulder appeared. All on the right side. As if someone would stab me with a sword. And suddenly it all came together… Father – sword – right side – impalement all the way from the shoulder down… Something in the male line and in my male side of body was being cleaned. We were taking the sword out for a long time, the wound was bleeding… festering. Finally I had a feeling that my right side is free totally. The energy and life is freely flowing through it. Even the right nostril was felt to be emptier J At that moment I realized that with the left side it´s different. There is still something. Something what still needs to be caressed, pet, woken up. I knew that three sessions just were not enough. There is something left there even though I didn´t exactly know what. We arranged another session. Forth one. I left for home calm and relaxed. I made myself a nice day, I had a good lunch, I bought a nice book. By the way.. something has changed. Suddenly – I flew. Slowly, gracefully, feminine. Who knows me closer he would describe as a quick and dynamic person for sure. Sometimes even hurry scurry. This time it was different. I slowed down. I felt well and beautiful in my body. The world suddenly had sharper and brighter contours. My hands were softer and gentler. I feel a maternal protective energy in them now. Have I really changed…?
I was looking for our meeting. Actually I was sure that we will do a nice last massage, everything to complete my vaginal clearing. What happened after that I didn’t expect in my wildest dreams. Tara explained to me that we are going to map on the deepest level. I foolishly thought that I will not feel anything at all in the depths of my vagina. How far I was from the truth..
It started from the very beginning. Anger to all men. I thought in my mind that the anger was a bit irrelevant. It was present there so intensely that I had to sit down. Anger for they were often violent, arrogant, hard, without any respect to women.. Fortunately the anger went away quickly and turned into … love. Other places were little better, some of them completely ok. I even admitted that I feel pleasure and I enjoyed it! And then it hurt. Dull pain deep in the underbelly. Tara found a knob. It was hard. And I started to pour it out of me… It´s not me.. it´s an anger to myself or my life. What can it be down there? What is it what I can feel?? Yes, it´s an ancestry.. Whole ancestry form our male line.
All the women who suffered from rapes, incests, humiliation. I felt anger, sadness and guilt. I was about to cry… Then we began to connect the circumstances with Tara… Yesterday we were pulling a sword out of this place. Today we have found a knob there. Father´s line. Rapes in their family… my uncles. Right side. The male side of myself. Everything was suddenly so clear. My father´s surgeries, all on the right side of his body. Cancer on the right side of his body… Other circumstances will certainly come to my mind…
Even now when I am writing I am crying. Life, our mind, our bodies, experiences, people around us, everything is closely connected. These connections are hidden in our thoughts, characters and acts but also in our bodies. We go on mapping… severe pain like something is burning and cutting me… The pain is very intense… I can´t find any other connection, I don´t have any idea. The pain is stronger and stronger. All of a sudden it is moved to my mouth. My tongue is being cut off and I am seared… I am saying something, I shout, I have so many things to say… To men.. To women.. They are afraid of me. They are afraid of my power and my opinions. They feel that I am telling truth and I can´t bear it. That´s why they harm me. To put me down, to stop me… The pain is very strong. The strange thing is that I feel the blood accumulating under the burned lesion. It can´t flow because the skin is burned. Without any logic it starts to accumulate in my cavities, in the muscles under the lesion and to create polypuses… I understand, this is where from the polypuses in my uterus are coming from… This is the reason why they grew up. Experienced pain and wound, which was not about to be healed… I am opening it, healing it. Tara is helping me…
Few more words and it is over. Tara checks all spots step by step and I feel peace and quiet. We say good bye to each other. Experiences enabled by our sessions are very strong for both of us. We both believe that my life will be different from now on. We are looking for every other experiences to come.
During the sessions we discovered some facts with Tara:
1. Using disposable gloves by the vaginal mapping increased my trust and reliance on the proficiency of the process.
2. Right side of my body which represents the male part of myself reacted sensitively to all topics related with men. This fact we found out only after some time and repeating.
3. Left side of my body, the female one, reacted to topics related with women and feminity.
4. I also reacted sensitively to a change of hand mapping me. Energy from right hand I perceived like acting, searching, solving. Energy from left hand more like calm, healing, caressing, protecting. I didn´t often know which hand does the therapist use. After some time she noticed that I use different valuation of energy from the right hand and from the left hand. We started to use this fact actively.
5.The deeper in vagina we were mapping, the deeper and more complex topics were hidden there. In the deepest parts were topics related to the ancestry and former lives. I was surprised to have visions concerning reasons and healing of different illnesses. Sometimes I smiled in my mind, what might happen if we would map solar plexus from inside
Would this be enough already, wouldn´t it?
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