Slow sex - conscious lovemaking

Slow sex - conscious lovemaking

What is it? How it can help our intimate life?

In present time, we are overwhelmed by various images of sexuality. Kids and teenagers usually lack any sexual education from their parents or teachers, because the adults – flooded by shame and embarrassment – silently expect their offsprings to have plenty opportunities to learn about sex from media. And so the sexual “education” is, from big extend, left to pornography industry. Few clicks on the internet and anybody can learn “how to make sex”, despite the fact that shown practices and reality have very little in common. The scenes are exaggerated, scenarios unreal, vocalisations dabbed and penises Viagra-erected. And when teenage boys try those with their girlfriends it usually brings them frustrating and alienating experiences. Bodies twisted in unnatural acrobatic positions, feelings of tenderness and intimacy miles away...

We grew up in environment where, from very early age, we are “trained” in being ashamed of spontaneous reactions of our bodies. Kids who, with their inherent nature, touch their genitals or play “the doctors” usually evoke indignation in surrounding adults. Without knowing why or how, they understand that something is wrong. And so the shame is anchored in our bodies, shame that often lasts a lifetime without being conscious about it. The feeling of our own inappropriateness, feeling that there is something wrong with us.

Later on, when we start exploring our sexual life and, when we don’t reach “prescribed” orgasms – which, as any magazine writes, are the part of sex – we feel that there’s something wrong with us. Our deeply anchored shame usually prevents us from discussing the situation openly with our partner of friends and we, especially being teenagers, prefer pretending.

And so it is very difficult to find a soul mate to talk openly to. Parents, educators, peers they are all full of embarrassment... and the feeling of shame is passed on.

What media shows us as an image of intimacy usually comes under the heading “hot”. We see dynamic, hot sexuality. Tenderness on the screen often ends with a kiss. Physical sex belongs to another genre. Subconsciously we learn that sexuality is hot, arousing, connected with stimulation and ending in orgasm.

Despite that, many couples experience moment when they are neither hot nor excited. Usually, they understand it as some kind of defect which they try to fix with various stimuli. New underwear, swingers party, Viagra, threesomes, foursomes... It is definitely enriching to engage fantasy in intimacy and to try unknown. But still, is it the only way? Searching for newer and newer stimuli eventually tires us and what was hot and juicy at first becomes drab...

Up to certain extend we are lacking “information” about what the intimate lovemaking should look like. By intimacy I mean physical contact full of closeness and depth. And often we also don’t learn about the potential of sexuality to heal and develop us in mental and spiritual way. So how does the sexuality look like, if it isn’t dynamic and hot?

If there is mechanical sex (pornography) on one side, there is consciousness on the other. In last few years there came an expression Slow sex as a synonym for conscious lovemaking when slowing down helps presence and deeper experience. Lovers pay their full attention to breath, touch, experience, mutual contact. Counterpart to hot sexuality is then the calm, so called, moon sexuality happening in gentleness and slowness. It can include lovemaking that is almost without any movement, the moves are very gentle, even “inner”. Mechanical stimulation is replaced by the depth of inner experience and perception of energy of the bodies.

This way of lovemaking was first described by and Australian spiritual teacher in his book “Making love”. Other, very inspiring reading are books of his student Diane Richardson “Tantric Orgasm for Women” and “Tantric Sex for Men: Making Love and Meditation”, “The Heart of Tantric Sex: The unique Guide to Sexual Fulfilment” and Slow sex: The Path to Fulfilling and Sustainable Sexuality”. Another book on this topic is by Nicole Deadone, the founder of OneTaste movement, “Slow sex: The Art and Craft of the Female Orgasm”. In Czech a similar book was translated – written by German author Bärbel Mohr “Sex wie auf Wolke 7”.

Nature of this form of lovemaking is physical connection of lovers with very little or no mechanical stimulation. Partners perceive their breath, caress each other gently, and don’t move too much. Attention is focused more inside, to the depth of their own and partner’s experience. Theory behind this form of lovemaking is learning that during connection of the two lovers energy exchanges between their bodies. This energy “starts” without any kind of stimulation just thanks to conscious presence. We help this energy by conscious work with our breathing, which we deepen deliberately and we focus at feelings in our own body – not images, fantasies, nor thoughts. When connected with our partner, “communication” also goes between penis and vagina. Gentle, conscious connection helps to develop sensitivity of these organs and the flow of energetic exchange continuously deepens.

At first, many couples, starting with this kind of lovemaking, do not experience many deep feelings. The quiet intercourse can often seem as “boredom” – compared to hot arousal and orgasm it seems as if nothing was really happening. Usually it is just a phase when we experience this “boredom” due to our own insensitivity. Penis, vagina, even the body feels nothing or very little. But sensitivity comes with continuous practice, it starts to wake up and grow and the quiet intercourse becomes immensely intensive and deeply fulfilling experience, which cannot be compared to anything we have experienced until that. What comes forward is the intelligence of our bodies – not wit or fantasy of our minds.

An American meditation teacher Reginald A. Ray, author of book “Touching Enlightenment” claims that spiritual enlightenment comes only through body, through total “embodiment”. Compared to that he says that today’s society suffers from extensive disembodiment.

Common workload of western people is usually about hours and hours at a desk, counter, computer ... We are trained in logic and opinion. Most of our body wisdom remains idle. Furthermore, we learn to suppress our body experiences, feelings and emotions as signs of weakness that affects our “functionality”. Regrettably, even many spiritual traditions are sometimes wrongly interpreted in the way that emotions would hinder spiritual development and so, as result, the emotions are wrongly understood and suppressed.

And, Ray says, every suppression leaves an imprint in our body. And it manifests itself as insensitivity in whole, or certain part of our body. In order to prevent ourselves from uncomfortable feelings we suppress them further. Which won’t help us to get rid of them; we only imprint them even deeper. Their constant non-perception causes continual level of tension and stress in our body. On this level we learn to live and get used to it as “the normal” state. And, generally speaking, cumulated stress can eventually manifest itself as physical illness.

Conscious lovemaking activates body liveliness and strength of experiences. Emotions that we don’t like and that we originally suppressed can come along with this activation. After the insensitivity and “boredom” phases comes a phase when these emotions rise in quality of sadness or anger. We, sexually experimenting, don’t care about these labels of feelings and we examine feelings in our body – where it is and what quality it has? In the chest? In our stomach? Is this feeling hot, cold, clutching, expanding...? And so we learn to perceive our body further and further without classifying our feelings, suppressing or holding on to them. We perceive them and let them pass... Breathe deeply... We let pass anything that needs to go through our body and release it from our system.

Today’s direct or indirect “sexual education” doesn’t prepare us for this dynamics. We “learnt” that sex leads to arousal. What we didn’t learn was that it can also clean our body from emotional load. So when tears or other unpleasant feelings occur during lovemaking we shoo them away – but along with that we also shoo away the passion too. It is either us who cannot cope with the feelings or our partner: “What’s the matter? ... Is there something wrong? “ And because we cannot say what and why, we say: “Nothing.” And swallow the feeling. Mistake!

If we allow everything that comes along pass freely through our body we get rewarded by beautiful cleaning. Many feelings that bother and depress us loosen and we say good bye to them for good. Furthermore – behind this wall of insensitivity and uncomfortable feelings there is a paradise of pleasure and blessedness we couldn’t even imagine! And our body is blazing, energized, full of joy, vitality and love.

Blessedness is a quality experienced in the body – we cannot reach it by thinking, logic or disembodiment. And blessedness is also the basic, original quality of our body. Under the influence of different stress and traumas – beginning with the birth trauma – is this quality muted and veiled by defence mechanisms. The way of mental and spiritual development then lies in continuous melting off these boundaries of ego. It is not the way of “reaching” or “creating” something. We only let go of things which prevent us from seeing and perceiving. But the quality we cleaned in this process has always been present!

 

That is the reason why lovemaking is such a powerful means of harmony and love, better immunity and creativity. In its way it’s the means of inspiration, spiritual development, dissolving of ego and experiencing unity. All this based on energies released from the two bodies in pair intercourse. As on any spiritual way there are still lessons and disturbing emotions. If we have courage and endurance to go through, to experience our own fragility, to meet the unknown... the answer is the highest blessedness, in its full extend absolutely beyond our imagination.

 

Hardly anybody reaches spiritual awakening through lovemaking . However the qualities we can see and experience are deepening of love and affection between partners, harmony and mutual empathy, better health, joyfulness, creativity and inner freedom.

 

 

Mgr. Palečková, CSB  brings a whole new view of intimacy and methods that help to use it to bring about a positive change in health, happiness, partnership and personal development. Since 2002 their (she works together with Richard Vojík) courses, lectures and articles have helped thousands of people to live more joyful and fulfilled lives. They are known chiefly as the creators of the holistic sensual massage that has quickly become popular under the name of tantric massage.

Together with Richard Vojík, they are the founders of the Tantra Spa Prague massage and personal development centre. Together with Joseph Kramer, PhD. they brought the new profession of Sexological Bodywork from the USA and have had exceptional results in somatic education and healing.

In 2013 they founded the European Academy of Somatic Education – EASE with the aim to make accessible the benefits of bodywork to the general public and to provide the certification of professionals. They are also the creators of the educational DVD The Art of Touch.

More information about Denisa can be found on http://denisapaleckova.cz